You’ve seen the memes online urging you to put toxic people out of your life. They’re not for you. They suck your resources and energy. They burden your relationships. They don’t give good advice and they don’t make good friends. So let them go. Avoid them, shun them, don’t return their calls or emails. Blacklist them from your contacts and spend more time with people who encourage you and lift you up.
On the surface that sounds like reasonable advice. A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. The guy who cut your off on the Interstate and then gave you the finger. The customer making outrageous demands of your time for a tiny sale. The person who picks a fight with you online about every comment you make. What positive can come from being around these kinds of people?
Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don't present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way. Then of course there is the sinfulness of man. Some toxic people are just evil, or hurtful, or spiteful, or selfish, or wrong. But here’s the thing to consider: Is this what Jesus would tell us to do?
Jesus, in fact, tells us exactly how to treat toxic people. In Luke 6:27-29, instead of shunning toxic people, Jesus instructs us to “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone takes your cloak, do not withhold your tunic as well…” Why would Jesus tell us to go out of our way to engage toxic people?
Jesus made a habit of connecting to toxic people. The Bible records a number of accounts of Jesus engaging toxic people. The woman at the well. The adulterous woman. A man possessed by demons. A leprous man. In Luke 19:1-10, Jesus meets Zacchaeus, a tax collector. Zacchaeus was wealthy, hated by people around him, often stole from those he taxed, self-centered, egotistical—typically toxic. He climbed a tree to see Jesus, so Jesus dined with him in his home. The people muttered about toxic Zacchaeus and Jesus: “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner” (Luke 19:7). But Jesus took the opportunity to change Zacchaeus’ life. So affected was Zacchaeus that he said, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (Luke 19:8).
In these encounters, Jesus was able to look past each person’s weaknesses and undesirable traits, and engage them one-on-one, and for their own spiritual benefit. In this “love your enemies” approach Jesus was doing exactly what He instructs us to do. When we come across toxic people, as leaders we should see them as needing something personally and spiritually, versus someone to avoid. When Jesus tell us, “do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you,” He is telling us that toxic people are worth the effort.
Spiritually we all start out toxic. The Bible explains our spiritual condition outside of Christ. Romans 8:5-7 teaches, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.” So, outside of Jesus we are spiritually toxic. We set our minds against the things of God, we are spiritually dead, hostile to God and do not submit to God’s law.
If we are spiritually toxic then we also very likely personally toxic. A person with a genuine commitment to Christ will likely approach life from a spiritual perspective and display more Christlike characteristics. When you are connecting with a toxic person, then, consider first their spiritual condition. And relate that to your own spiritual condition outside of Christ. People living in a world that is in large part against God are to the Christ-centered leader to be loved in Christ and then led toward Christ.
We can influence toxic people. Jesus calls us to a relationship with toxic people. His instructions are not easy. “Do good to those who hate you” is a difficult command. Jesus’ goal for us with respect to toxic people is to influence them toward Christ. Primarily this is done by treating them not as they deserve to be treated and not as we want to treat them for our own health, but to treat them in a loving and forgiving way for their own spiritual health. Toxic people aren’t going to necessarily listen to you on this, though, because as 1 Corinthians 2:14 reminds us, “The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.” They may indeed reject the Christ you live out to them and present to them.
The Apostle Paul tells us the difficult life we will lead in Christ. 2 Timothy 3:12-17 says, “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.” How can we respond in this toxic environment? Paul continues, “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.”
Jesus clearly wants us to engage (spiritually) toxic people. It’s a part of our growth as Christ followers and His mission for us in a toxic world. When you are around toxic people don’t abandon those relationships or shun those connections. Instead respond in love toward them, point them to Christ, and continue to grow in your own faith, trusting in Christ as your ultimate inoculation against the toxicity of the world.
Bob Day